Just when I think I’m feeling better my body reminds me otherwise. Threw up three times yesterday, and I’m having major allergy issues three days now. Got home from work yesterday with every intention to practice, but my body said something different. I took a four hour nap, ate dinner, watched TV and went right back to bed. Our dispatch center is full of allergens that I know set me off. Now I’m using oils, Claritin or Benadryl, and drinking lots of fluids to kick this thing.
Very emotional today. I may have set my own self up for failure early on by mindlessly scrolling through Instagram. It has a delicate way of dragging us into reactive mode real quick and before you know it, like a deer in headlights, you are hypnotized into a place of lack. It can be very unhealthy for our psyche. Thus began my downward spiral as I continued about my day.
Now if you’re tapped in tuned in your feelings can become a source of inspiration moving you towards the path of least resistance.
I cried three times today.
I’m not ashamed. Crying is the way your eyes speak when your mouth can’t explain. So yea. I cried. I cried because the life I envision seems so far from my reality. I cried because I became the person I never thought I’d be. I cried because I willingly let outside sources dictate my everyday life and at some point you look back and realize it’s been that way for years.
Everything looks better in the daylight. I had to soften. Look at the entire experience as a whole. I haven’t physically exhausted myself in an environment like this since my days as a camp counselor, possibly not ever as much as this trip. However, we are always capable of more than we think we are.
Daily we walk a 20-30 min hill so steep a 2WD won’t even make it. We eat mostly vegan, some fish, and all water (with the exception of an occasional fruit drink for dinner or a cold beverage we treat ourselves to from the Mini Super at the bottom of the hill).
Baby reminds me he’s still here with a few bouts of nausea. Today was baby Chip’s first time surfing! We caught a few waves, longboard of course, but it counts! Surfed Sawmill, just north of Pavones. It was perfect.
We’ve seen wild parrots, monkeys, iguanas, and some beautiful butterflies and birds. Scenery is so lush. Real, raw jungle. Took a hike down an uncharted river into town two days ago. Never seen anything like it.
Finally met our destination in Costa about 8 p.m. After my episode on the airplane (I passed out for a few seconds), boarding another hour flight on Sansa Airlines to Golfito, then an hour drive to the Yoga Farm in Punta Banco, I was drained. We were late to dinner, but they saved us a plate – a generous one. Everyone’s so chill here.
Not gonna like, I didn’t handle the first night well. Frogs, cockroaches, no fans, no window screens… I did manage to find a mosquito net for our bunk bed. Our bunk is on the east side of the main house, nearly no breeze. I literally told Louie I don’t know if I can do this for a week it’s so hot. Facilities are outside. You walk uphill ten minutes just to get to the kitchen. He loves it! For me, culture shock.
Do you ever feel like you’ve given up on life? It’s like you wake up one day and ask yourself, when is enough enough?It feels like it’s taking all you’ve got to keep the wheel turning. Now before you go where I think you may, saying to yourself, ‘You think you’ve got it rough!’ I want to clarify, it’s not a quantitative equation. No line gets crossed that classifies hardship. Rather, it’s our quality of day-to-day living. Mind chatter seems to never end. It’s in these moments we hear that still small voice. It shows us we need to soften. We need to come back to ourselves.
I think our practice cultivates space for us to listen. Space to move past whatever our circumstance and expose a realness, an authenticity that unifies us. We can’t see it, or hear it, or feel it when we only feed our places of least resistance. It starts with a whisper, during these times, and a willingness to open just a little bit more.
Little Chip is a kumquat today, measuring 1″ and developing organs. He has eyelids and working on growing his limbs.
Things are starting to look up. Tomorrow is our first appointment. I think this will solidify things.
I got pretty upset with Louie the other night after he refused to talk about the sex of the baby. He’s so cut and dry. He said only I know what the baby feels like and there’s no reason to prefer one or the other and set yourself up for something you have no control over. I realized he may want a boy to carry on his name and he’s afraid I may want something different. To be honest, I’m leaning towards his name anyway. I don’t have any others in mind, except my cousin’s name Blake which I’ve always liked. Still nothing outweighs the magnitude his own name carries, not yet anyway. Besides, I’m feeling more like it could be a girl. We’ll know week 18-22.
Two weeks ago today I came down with a sore throat. I still have a straggling cough and very little energy. Louie cleaned the place up for me a few days ago, I don’t have the strength to care. Emotions are running rampant. I feel myself wanting to practice and meditate, but I get sucked into my bed with lethargy and overwhelming nausea. My diet is no bueno. The only foods that seem to bring any solace are childhood favorites of mine: Subway, Doritos, Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel etc. I want to make better decisions, but I’m too weak to care. Jayden said it’s because I’m growing a little mini-me inside.